What defines you?

So today has been pretty disappointing for me and you are all about to get some full and complete honesty. If you are not ready for that, WARNING: STOP READING NOW!

Every Sunday I take my measurements because that is the end of my workout week. Every Sunday I have seen results that blew me away. Well today that did not happen. I had absolutely NO CHANGE in my measurements from last week. I was devastated.

My husband convinced me to take my weekly progression photos even though I did not want to do so. You can see the fake smile and complete look of defeat in my face. Don't even act like you can't. It is there.

After the photos were taken I did not even look at them. I had to shower and get ready for church. Besides I was disappointed after all. I was also tearing myself apart. That moment of disappointment had opened up a tiny bit of negativity and the enemy took his foothold in that thought.

As I showered I began to cry. I surveyed my body and silently criticized every inch of myself. Suddenly my face was not firm enough, my hair was too limp, my eyebrows were needing work again, my legs were too full and long, my butt STILL TOO BIG, my stomach not firm enough, etc etc etc. Every positive thing I had done over the past month to improve my fitness meant NOTHING; NOTHING I say.

Then I heard the voice of my coach. I really believe it was God's still voice but it sounded like Lisa because when I started this journey she asked me a question. She said, "What is your why?" Obviously it was to lose weigh but she said, "No, what is your WHY? Why are you doing this. It needs to be more than weight because you will plateau. You need a good WHY to keep you going when motivation is not there!" (That may not be verbatim but it is close enough.)

As I cried silently in the shower I remembered my why. It was not to lose weight. That is my goal. My why is much bigger. It is to better my body for the battles I face everyday. I need to be strong as a member of God's Army to be able to live as a Christian. I have to be fit to reach my purpose. I also need to be healthy to be the BEST wife and mother I can be. If I am sick and diabetes gets me down I am good for NONE of these things. I am no good at all. Once i remembered my WHY, I was no longer crying in silence; I was praising God for the ability to workout every singe day no matter what. I was thanking him for allowing me to hit this plateau in order to remember why I started.

After church I finally looked at the photos. I put them side by side and really looked at them. I may not have made any measurement or weight progress but my body DOES LOOK DIFFERENT. When I flex my back roll disappears, my lower stomach is finally getting flatter, my obliques look more defined and when not flexed my back roll is still smaller...my butt looks lifted too!!

I write this to encourage you to not give up on your journey. Have a good why to keep you going. It is soooo important. Also remember we all feel discouraged. It is okay actually. Just do not stay in that place of defeat. Do not allow the enemy to derail your purpose. It is so easy for women to let this happen because we feel so negatively about our bodies. Forget the number...and I know it is hard to do. Trust me, I know I am EXACTLY 1.2 pounds heavier with wet hair than dry hair. So trust me when I understand obsession with those numbers. BUT LET IT GO. Embrace the process and keep pushing. Things are happening even we do not realize it...and number can deceive us.

Look up and keep moving forward. NO EXCUSES!

Hot Pink Shoes

Right before Christmas my husband and I were at the Nike Factory Story getting new shoes for our teenager. I needed some new tennis shoes but the ones I had were not completely worn out thus I decided it could wait. You see, I always do that. I always feel things for myself can wait. My husband, however, picked up a pair of hot pink tennis shoes and said, "These are for you". At first I wanted to argue with him about it but I decided to just let him get them for me. After all, I had not had pink shoes since I was a small girl. My husband also knew I had been working out; doing Zumba and cardio on the elliptical. This was his way of showing his support for my efforts. But why Hot Pink? Of all the colors, why that color? He said they just made him think of me. So I have hot pink tennis shoes. Why is hot pink something that would come into question, you wonder? Well let me tell you. For many years I had a very strong aversion to color. All color, but especially anything pink. In my opinion, pink represented Happy and I was anything but happy. In fact, I was rather loathsome. I was angry all the time and having a decade or so long pity party. I was angry about being "made fun of" while in high school. I was angry about being sick all the time. I was angry that I was not able to be a doctor, which is still somewhat of a dream of mine. I was absolutely tormented about how my first marriage ended in divorce. I could not see the good things in my life because I was so focused on the negative. In order to express my anger, I wore mostly all black and wore heavy black eyeliner. I was isolated and introverted. I had a very small select group of people who I trusted. Anyone else was repulsive to me. My circle was small and I like it. Some described me as "semi goth" or "punk". Most described me as "the weird freak girl". I loved this. At least they were leaving me alone. As this anger grew inside of me and as I separated myself form others, I also separated myself from my faith. I left the church and had no need for organized religion. I felt God had played a cruel joke on me since my life was such crap. I was angry at him too. Almost two years ago I found myself inside a church for the first time in many years. My life was changed redirected inside that church. I came to some realizations that I had never thought about before. I saw things in a new fashion. It was like being awake to the happiness around for the first time. I had much to be happy about and thankful for. Since then I have made some serious changes in my life and my attitude. When I visited my family over the 2015 holiday I was wearing my hot pink shoes. Everyone noticed them and made comments about how bright they are and what not. But one person, my Uncle Avery, made a comment that had a profound effect on me. He said, "I never thought I would see you in hot pink shoes. You have changed a lot. You have come a long way from that angry girl in black. I am so proud of you and happy you are following Christ". (I am writing this a month after that statement so this is completely how I remember it and may not be completely verbatim). This statement went directly to my heart. If other people have noticed a change in me I can only thank God for dealing with my heart and mind. It is his mercy and grace that have gotten me to this point in my life where I can now see all the things that angry girl missed. I had many things to be grateful for and happy about but I let my own darkness hide them all. So from now on I hope I can always find hot pink tennis shoes to remind me of how far I have come and to never go back. Pink still makes me think of happiness and I want to take that happiness with me everywhere.