Hot Pink Shoes

Right before Christmas my husband and I were at the Nike Factory Story getting new shoes for our teenager. I needed some new tennis shoes but the ones I had were not completely worn out thus I decided it could wait. You see, I always do that. I always feel things for myself can wait. My husband, however, picked up a pair of hot pink tennis shoes and said, "These are for you". At first I wanted to argue with him about it but I decided to just let him get them for me. After all, I had not had pink shoes since I was a small girl. My husband also knew I had been working out; doing Zumba and cardio on the elliptical. This was his way of showing his support for my efforts. But why Hot Pink? Of all the colors, why that color? He said they just made him think of me. So I have hot pink tennis shoes. Why is hot pink something that would come into question, you wonder? Well let me tell you. For many years I had a very strong aversion to color. All color, but especially anything pink. In my opinion, pink represented Happy and I was anything but happy. In fact, I was rather loathsome. I was angry all the time and having a decade or so long pity party. I was angry about being "made fun of" while in high school. I was angry about being sick all the time. I was angry that I was not able to be a doctor, which is still somewhat of a dream of mine. I was absolutely tormented about how my first marriage ended in divorce. I could not see the good things in my life because I was so focused on the negative. In order to express my anger, I wore mostly all black and wore heavy black eyeliner. I was isolated and introverted. I had a very small select group of people who I trusted. Anyone else was repulsive to me. My circle was small and I like it. Some described me as "semi goth" or "punk". Most described me as "the weird freak girl". I loved this. At least they were leaving me alone. As this anger grew inside of me and as I separated myself form others, I also separated myself from my faith. I left the church and had no need for organized religion. I felt God had played a cruel joke on me since my life was such crap. I was angry at him too. Almost two years ago I found myself inside a church for the first time in many years. My life was changed redirected inside that church. I came to some realizations that I had never thought about before. I saw things in a new fashion. It was like being awake to the happiness around for the first time. I had much to be happy about and thankful for. Since then I have made some serious changes in my life and my attitude. When I visited my family over the 2015 holiday I was wearing my hot pink shoes. Everyone noticed them and made comments about how bright they are and what not. But one person, my Uncle Avery, made a comment that had a profound effect on me. He said, "I never thought I would see you in hot pink shoes. You have changed a lot. You have come a long way from that angry girl in black. I am so proud of you and happy you are following Christ". (I am writing this a month after that statement so this is completely how I remember it and may not be completely verbatim). This statement went directly to my heart. If other people have noticed a change in me I can only thank God for dealing with my heart and mind. It is his mercy and grace that have gotten me to this point in my life where I can now see all the things that angry girl missed. I had many things to be grateful for and happy about but I let my own darkness hide them all. So from now on I hope I can always find hot pink tennis shoes to remind me of how far I have come and to never go back. Pink still makes me think of happiness and I want to take that happiness with me everywhere.