Dads

First I need to apologize for skipping my blog yesterday but I was REALLY sick.  I was in bed all day and all night.  I had issues with nausea all day.  Thank goodness my husband was willing to take care of me. 

So I have no idea what to write about tonight.  I have had the most uneventful day.  I had another job interview.  Eventually I have to find a job doing something.  If nothing else, there is always amateur night at the strip club.  I am only half joking about that. 

I guess I will write about what has been annoying me most today.  Child Support, or lack there of.  I have not received child support for some time now for my son.  Between not receiving this and being unemployed our budget has been really tight lately.  We are never a wasteful family but times are getting hard. 

I often wonder if my son's bio-dad thinks my son eats less food or needs less just because bio-dad cannot send child support.  Thank God I have my husband that makes sure my son does not do without anything he needs. 

It may not be easy but we always find a way.  I am blessed to have such a loving man that not only accepts my son but also treats him better than his real father ever has. 

Ok I am done venting.  Sorry for the bitchy blog tonight!

Commune Reunion

I am writing this blog earlier than usual because I have plans tonight with some really good friends.  These people were the first people I met when I moved to WA three years ago.  This group of people made the first few months here bearable. Their children became friends with  my son and we all did a lot of stuff together.  We referred to ourselves as "the commune" since we all lived in the same apartment building.  We were the best neighbors.

These people were so amazing when they welcomed us into the complex. That year was great.  We would barbecue together, share birthday parties, drink together, help with each others children.  We really were like a little commune.  They were some of my favorite people. 

As time has passed we have all moved away from the apartments.  We live in different cities and are not able to get together anymore. Some of us work at night and some travel for work.  It takes effort and planning for us to all get together now. 

Well this afternoon we are all doing just that.  We have planned a potluck barbecue.  I am so excited.  Last time we all hung out we ended up wearing side pony tail and acting like fools lol.  It was a blast.  I have missed these people.  Especially my girls. 

Needless to say I am super excited about tonight and 5:30pm cannot get here soon enough.  I have some vanilla vodka waiting for us to drink it up.  Oh I also have potato salad i am taking ot the pot luck but vodka is most important lol.  The commune reunion will begin in T-minus 3 hours and 6 minutes.  I am so ready to party!

Internet Cats

Many times as I sit around and surf the Internet, I find myself looking at Internet cats. It usually happens as such a random thing. I may not even notice I am doing it until I have lost an hour or more of my life. 

Like I said, when it happens it is very random. I may start out looking for coupons or searching for a music video and suddenly I see a cat in the side bar. I cannot resist clicking on the link and looking at the stupid thing. It is like Internet crack and I cannot get enough of it. 


Those stupid, furry, irresistible kitty cats. All dressed up in costumes or dancing. Some of them in photos (as the ones you see posted).  The website http://icanhascheezburger.com/ has been given so many hours of my life.  Hours I can never get back yet I do not regret spending it browsing these LOL CATS.  They are so entertaining and addicting. 

Hell, Keyboard Cat is now on a pistachio commercial; and they are all so cute.  Well all but the hairless ones. I am not a fan of the hairless cats. They scare me. But that is an entirely other blog lol.  Burger has to be my all time favorite cat though.  Burger and Fries the Angry Lunatic Cat, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6z_3EZWkM1c, is a classic.  Everyone should see this crazy kitty.  I really love this one. 

I think one of the reasons I love looking at these cats is because it makes me miss our cat less. Our cat was about 16 years old when he passed away. He died while my husband was deployed so it was hard on me and our son. My husband had this cat since he was 13 so it was REALLY hard to tell him his best little fur ball friend was gone.


We have looked into getting a new cat but no other cat will ever replace Jo. Jo was a special cat. Old, fat, cute, cuddly and loved bacon.  He was the best cuddler.  He also was a great comfort while I was alone.  He would lay with me on the couch as I watched stupid mindless television.  His purring was always relaxing and comforting. 

We also cannot afford the $500 pet deposit to have a pet. Thus we remain pet less and I find myself distracted daily by the cute Internet felines.  As I watch people make them dance around, I remember how Jo would look at me all hatefully when I would make him dance.  I always laugh when I have these memories. 

One of these days we will have a new cat.  Hopefully, when that happens, I will not get distracted by so many Internet cats.  Unless of course, I make the new cat watch them with me so I can teach it tricks.  HAHHAHA....if I do this I will post videos and this will then become a cat VLOG! 



RIP Jougert.  We will forever miss you!

Damned Laundry Chime

There is nothing I love more than being able to take care of my family and home.  As much as I want to work toward a professional career, I must admit I enjoy being at home to do the household things my family need me to do.  It comforts me knowing my husband and son do not have to do a lot around the house.  However, I also have to admit laundry is my most hated chore.  It is the one chore that is never done because we are always wearing clothes lol. 

Whether in a basket in the bathroom, in my sons bedroom floor, or in a hamper in the laundry room I can ALWAYS find dirty laundry that need to be taken care of.  On any given day I can have a load of laundry.  Gathering the laundry, as annoying as it is, is the easiest part of this chore. 

After gathering, there is the sorting.  All the sorting.  Separate whites from colors, towels from shirts and jeans, delicates, wash cold,...it just goes on and on.  Once everything is sorted there is the washing and drying.  While this part is going I am able to do other things but 48-65 minutes, I hear the damned laundry chime. 

Both my washer and dryer play the most whimsical little tune when the cycle is done.  When I purchased the washer and dryer I thought the chime would be so much better than a buzzer.  A fun friendly song to let me know it was time to change out the loads.  Well this is simply not the way I hear this chime anymore. 

After hearing it at least 10 times per week for the last year, it now seems like a taunt.  When I hear the chime I imagine it is singing "Time to do more work.  You just wish you were done."  UGH always laundry lol. 

Even after I have it out of the dryer, I then have to fold it.  While I am folding I can hear the washer and dryer continuing to rumble; knowing it will only be a short time before it sings to me once again.  The ever singing damned laundry chime. 

When everything is folded, I then have the task of taking everything up stairs and putting it away.  I have recently been having my husband and son putting away their own laundry.  If I do all the other work, they can at least put it away.  Or so I thought.  My husband will walk past his folded clothes for a week before he FINALLY puts them away.  My son will sit them on his desk and eventually the clothes get put back in the laundry WITHOUT even being worn.  They make me crazy with this at times.  But whatever, I should just do it myself.  After all, the chime sings to me and me alone as no one else is home when I do the laundry.  If I hear the song I should complete the task. 

I just wish I could find a way to connect my soundtrack to the washer and dryer.  Like make the washer play Evenflow by Pearl Jam or Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple.  Any song that has to do with water or flow.  The dryer should play Fire in the Disco by Electric Six or Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash.  Better yet, they could both play All Apologies by Nirvana.  At least I would have real entertainment and an apology to go along with my chore that NEVER EVER ends!

My Birthday 2012

I have had such a busy, fun filled day.  I have nearly ran out of enough time to get my blog published before midnight.  The reason I am so late getting this done is because today is my birthday.  It has been wonderful. 

First my husband brought me breakfast in bed.  It was a wonderful English muffin and coffee.  I later received many phone calls from my family and friends on the other side of the country.  All calling to tell me happy birthday and how much they missed.  I was able to talk to my uncle, whose birthday is tomorrow, for over an hour.   It was the first time I had talked to him in over a year.  So it was nice to hear his voice and I really enjoyed our conversation!  I really felt loved. 

After that my husband made me a wonderful turkey wrap for lunch.  It was so good with the melted cheese and spicy mustard.  He then baked me a cake.  He said it was the first cake he had ever made.  Unfortunately, he forgot to use cooking spray in the pan so the cake stuck to the pan but it tastes AMAZING.  I could care less if it is pretty.  It is the taste and thought that counts!

A bit later my son returned home from school and  he and I had to go to the dentist.  Not the most exciting thing to do on your birthday but I did not want to cancel the appointment.  Well we both got great reports.  No cavities and no work needed!  Apparently it is amazing that I have all of my teeth and none of them have any dental work.  I have never needed fillings or crowns.  The dentist was really impressed.  This also made me feel great, as I am getting older lol. 

Once I returned from the dentist my husband made dinner for our family.  He made chicken alfredo.  Again, it was really good.  I could get accustomed to this type of treatment.  A girl could get spoiled quickly when being treated like this!

Lastly, my two best Washington girl friends came to visit me.  They brought me a yummy cupcake and I got stuff to make homemade sushi.  I also got a sweater and tank set and a HELLO KITTY key chain.  I love Hello Kitty and so does my friend.

All I can say is I have the most amazing family and friends.  I love them all and feel so grateful to have them in my life.  I hope I can continue to remain close to my family even thought we are so far apart.  I also want to stay in contact with my friends no matter I am transferred in this world.  They have made this portion of my life so fantastic.  I never want to lose contact with them.  It may take effort for us to stay in touch but we can make it happen.  We are Team Panda! 

So all-in-all, I had a great day and I owe it all to my incredible family and friends.  I love you all!

Mother was right...

Have you ever had one of those "ah-ha' moments when you realize your mother was correct?  My friend and I had one of those moments today.  We both agreed we would never admit such a thing to our respective mothers but we had to admit it to ourselves and each other. 

So the story beings with my friend and I chatting on Facebook.  She told me the next time we were together to remind her to give me a birthday gift her mom had gotten me.  I thought it was so nice that her mom got me a gift.  I told her to be sure to tell her mom I said thanks and that it was completely unexpected.  She went on to tell me how her mom really had compassion for me because  her mom was once a military wife just as I am now.  Therefore, her mom understood how it felt to be so far from your family and how lonely holidays and birthdays could be.  My friend explained how her dad had some issues with PTSD just as my husband has, so her mom can relate to me in that area of my life as well.  She stated her mom liked how I was a strong person and that her mom really appreciated how I was a good friend to her.

This made me feel great as a friend.  I mean, if someones mom notices you are a good friend, that is a compliment.  I feel like I try to be nice to everyone but if a mom notices me as a good person...whew!  I felt awesome. 

Then she went on to tell me how her mom stated, and I quote the message she sent me about her and her mom's conversation..."we were talking awhile back and I was just saying that we were having difficulties figuring out when we could meet up for your birthday and she said, "Oh... her birthday is coming up? I'm going to get her something because I like her! She's not weird like that cancer girl you hang out with!" 

This made me laugh and I asked, "cancer girl?"  Well apparently my friend once hung out with this girl that everyone thought had cancer even though she did not.  It seems this girl just looked really frail and did not take care of herself.  My friend stated it really bothered her mom that "cancer girl" never washed her hands.  My friend stated how she could go on and on about complaints her mom had with her friends but it would be a long mean list.  I was about to die laughing because this reminded me of things my mom said about some of my friends. 

My mom always had an opinion of the people I hung out with.  She would tell me how they were a bad influence.  Some of them were dirty and needed to bathe, or they were "bad girls" who had no self respect.  Just like my friend I could make a long mean list of complaints.  My friend and I both agreed how rude this was and how it had once annoyed us.  However, I had to admit my mom was right about all the people she complained about.  My friend stated, in retrospect her mom was always right too. 

Maybe we should have listened to our mothers but I think not listening taught us how to be a good judge of character.  I mean, we found one another and she is one of the best friends I have.  Apparently I am a great friend too, because like I said, if mama notices I must be doing something correctly.  Hell, I know I am because my friend's mom is so blunt she would tell me if I wasn't.  Just like my own mama would! 

Gotta love those mamas!!! Even if we refuse to admit to them directly they were right and we should have listened all along.  Nope, never ever going to admt it...  :)

Gender Roles

Several decades ago gender roles seemed very defined.  Women stayed at home and cared for her family while the man worked to earn income to provide for the family.  As we all know, this is no longer how things are. 

In today's society it is almost necessary for both parents to work.  The economic system makes it difficult to provide for a family on one income alone.  Cost of living seems to be expensive no matter where you live. 

As I have been searching for employment I have thought a lot about these gender roles.  I love being able to be at home for my son.  I am able to be at every event he has.  I am able to help with his homework.  I am able to guide him with any advice he needs from day to day.  It makes me happy to be able to do these things and not have to rely on daycare; especially when my husband is deployed.

However, lately I have wondered if I am doing my son an injustice.  I noticed how he loves to help me in the kitchen.  He also quotes things he hears from my girly television shows.  For example, he made the comment about a photo where he said "that girl is not smeyesing".  That is a total ANTM reference.  This concerned me.   I was talking to my husband and asked him if he thought I had done something wrong.  I don't honestly know what that something would have been but as a mom I always blame myself.  Anyway, my husband said no and told me to notice all the things my son quotes.  Thus child quotes everything from Pokemon to Locked and Loaded's R. Lee Ermy.  He also wants to know how to do everything, not just help me in the kitchen.  I think he is just inquisitive.  


I would love my son no matter which gender role he chose but I know everyone is not like me.  Some people really stress societal norms on others.  I personally do not care who works, who stays at home, if both parents work, etc. m We all do what we need to do to survive.  I just hope I can raise my son to be a healthy, well adjusted adult.  I do not want to do any damage therapy cannot fix when he grows up! 

Family Anniversary

The blog today is going to be short and sweet as it is a very special time for me and my family.  I am just going to explain the day and how we celebrate so I can get back to spending time with them all.  Hope you enjoy!!!

Today we celebrated our three year anniversary as a family.  My husband and I always try to include our son in the event because I was a single parent when we married.  We decided, on our wedding day, we did not become a couple but an entire family.  Thus we spend the celebration together. 

I admire my husband for being such a phenomenal father.  He is amazing with our son and treats him like he is his very own child, maybe even better.  In my opinion, it takes a wonderful person to be able to do this.  It means a lot to our son also.  He was always upset that his real father was not part of his life (by his own choice).  However, since my husband is now in his life, our son talks about how lucky he is to have a dad like him.  A dad that chose to be in his life because he wanted too, not because he was supposed to or had to.  He loves his step-father so much.  Anyway, this is why we include him and since he has school tomorrow, which is our actual anniversary, we decided to celebrate today.  We all had a wonderful time and again I am reminded how blessed I really am. 

Encouragement

Earlier this week our son came home with a permission slip to join track.  He wanted to do it so badly.  We explained how it was going to be hard work and a lot of practice but he still wanted to do it.  We filled out the slips and sent them in to the school with the sign up money for him to participate.  He was so excited. That is, he was excited until today.

Since the weather was SOOO nice outside, my husband and I decided we were going to take a walk.  We only discussed taking a short walk thus we told our son to put on his sweats and running shoes.  We told him he was going to run and start practicing for track.  We began by having him run ahead of us.  When he would be just about out of sight we would have him sprint back to us.  Then he would repeat the process.  We did not even make it around the block before he was complaining.  He was arguing about all of it.  I let him know if he argues with his coach he will be off the team.  That made him have a better attitude for about five minutes lol.  Then it was back to the arguing.  He did make it all the way around the block but it was a battle. 

While we were walking and our son was running ahead of us, my husband and I decided to extend our walk.  We planned to walk to the gas station, get us a big gulp, then walk back home at a leisurely pace while we sipped on our tasty beverages.  We were really enjoying the weather and having such a nice time outside.  Well my husband and I were anyway. 

Our son was doing some heavy complaining about the walk back.  It was hot.  He was tired.  It was uphill.  His feet hurt.  I just starting laughing.  My husband and I are three times older than him and we were loving it.  I really thought the 10 year old would be walking and running circles around us "old folks" but it simply was not the case.  You would have thought we were abusing the child with all the whining that was coming out of him.  I kept laughing and thinking, "Really son?  It is just some exercise.  And moderate exercise at best."  Poor child.

In his defense, I have a sun burn on my ears because I forgot to put on a hat or sunscreen, so I guess he could have been hot.  He is only ten and it turns out we walked about five miles.  I had no idea it was actually that far.  It really was uphill on the way back too.  :) 

However, I am not going to let him give into these excuses.  I am going to make sure he keeps exercising because he was pitiful today.  I know he can do better than he was.  He can give more and push harder than he was doing today.  I know he can.  Thankfully, he is not overweight.  I think he just does not really like to exert himself.  I guess he should have thought about that before begging to join track.  I have no idea if he will make it running track but I will encourage and support him as long as he is willing to try.  If I have my way, and I will get my way because I am the mom, he will complete the track season.  He may never want to do it again but he will finish what he started.  I know he can be great at it if he will just continue to try! 

Full-Time Job

On June 10, 2011 I finally obtained my college degree.  I graduated from the University of Washington with a Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration.  The emphasis for my business degree was Finance and Economics.  I was so excited to have finally obtained this little piece of paper that was supposed to change my life.  All of these doors were supposed to have opened to me because I had a college degree.  Six months before I graduated I began searching help wanted ads for ANYTHING in the finance industry.  I felt certain I would be able to find something because not only was I getting this degree from a public Ivy League university but I also had a decade of experience at a financial institution.  I just knew I would be a bankable asset (pun intended hahaha).   

Well, almost a year later I find myself still searching for employment.  I was not expecting the economy to be in such a morbid state.  Currently, unemployment is down in 30 states and up in 8 (as of March-U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics).  I find myself getting more and more frustrated as I search for a job.  I have done some networking but always get told to "apply online".  So I have relentlessly searched the Internet for companies in my area with business openings.  Ideally, I would love to get back into banking as I loved the interaction with customers, matching customers with products to suit their needs, and the numbers...I LOVE NUMERICAL COMPUTATION.  This would make me so happy. 

Unfortunately, during the past two weeks I have noticed a disturbing trend.  I have applied for so many positions at different banks that I have lost count.  I would have to estimate it to be at least 15 positions.  The rejection emails I have recently received have been discouraging.  They no longer read, "You were not selected" or "another applicant has been selected to fill the position".  The last eight I have received have stated, "Unfortunately, this job opening has been cancelled...".  This means the corporation decided, after the position had been open for at least four months, they no longer needed this position to run the business.  Sadly, at least 48 people had applied and hoped to be chosen for one specific position.  I was one of those people.  I did not check the apply count on all of the positions.  I simply did not have time to look all of them up.  Actually, I will be honest.  I did not want to know how many people were hoping for those eight jobs.  So it appears since the employees of these companies have been keeping the business of these corporations going for months without these positions being filled the corporations decided they could keep doing it.  Thus, there are now some really over worked people and people like me who still need a job.  Not only that but it appears these jobs are disappearing.  I can only hope the work quality and efficiency will falter and corporations will decide these jobs really were necessary. 

With that being said, it brings me to the next topic: Stay at home mothers/fathers.  I personally do not care which parent stays at home or is unemployed.  If they work as hard as I do to make sure my family is cared for, our home is clean, and the children taken care of, they deserve some recognition and a pay check.

I read an article published on mothering.com stating how stay at home parents worked on average 95 hours a week and were worth at least $113,000 per year http://mothering.com/all-things-mothering/take-action/news/stay-at-home-moms-worth-113000-according-to-new-average.  After reading this article I thought about how many jobs I do in one day.  On any given day I work as

1. chef
2. maid
3. laundry service
4. lawn maintenance
5. chauffeur
6. financial analyst
7. economic budgeter
8. personal shopper
9. delivery person
10. nurse
11. therapist
12. teacher/tutor
13. administrative assistant
14. appointment coordinator
15. dietitian.

I could go on but I am sure you get the point.  It is not easy taking care of all these things for a family.  It dawned on me I already have a full-time job that I do not receive any financial compensation for whatsoever.  Then I have the full-time job of looking for a job.  No wonder I am exhausted all the time.  Would it not be the greatest thing if stay at home parents could receive a pay check for the very important job we do?  What would happen if we all decided to stop doing our job for a week?  Well other than the obvious; grumpy spouses and dirty, hungry children.  Do you think anyone else wold notice?  Would it lead to something revolutionary like maybe getting us some financial compensation for how hard we work.  I would not mind punching a clock for every task I do because I work hard.  I would document each and everything I did.  I would document each and every minute it took to do that specific task and I would not lie about it either.  I would honestly keep accurate records if it meant I might get paid lol.  I do the things I do because I love my family and I love a well ordered house but getting paid would be phenomenal.  I know this will likely never happen but a girl can dream, can she not?       

 

Romance can be easy

I think my husband and I have a wonderful and fun relationship.  We try to take pleasure in the simple things.  I do not require a lot of gifts or material things.  I enjoy being treated nicely and with love.  Sure we have our differences but nothing is perfect, right?

I am fortunate to have a mate like him.  We have such a fun relationship.  He knows how to push my buttons in humorous way.  We are usually laughing and joking with each other.  I am really lucky to have someone that values me. 

He does so many little things that make me all giddy.  For example, a few nights ago we were laying in bed.  He gently brushed his hand on my leg and said "I love the way your skin feels".  This made me feel so special.  He does stuff like that all the time.  Today I surprised him by meeting him for lunch.  When I arrived he gave me kiss and a hug, as per usual.  However, today when he was hugging me he said, "Your hair always smells so good".  Everyday he compliments me in these cute subtle ways.  Romance can be this easy.  You merely have to listen and appreciate the simple moments! 

I try to do these same kinds of things for him; like surprising him for lunch.  He knows I love the way he looks in his uniform.  I have never been able to hide that one!  And his legs...oh my.  He has some great muscular calves and a muscular chest that I love to rest my head on at night.  I spend so much time telling him how much I love resting on his chest and being surrounded in his arms.

I think the reason he and I are like this is because of our bad past relationships.  We have learned to appreciate all the little things.  We also spend so much time apart.  Due to our military life we have been apart half of our relationship.   This keeps our love from getting old.  We are unable to "get tired" of one another.  Also, we frequently get to relive the honeymoon phase of our relationship.  This is one of the FEW things I am thankful for.  It is, at least for us, a benefit of the military system.  I hope we would still be this affectionate of we were together as much as other couples are.  Maybe one day I will find out.  For now I am going to enjoy the tenderness we express and the love we share.  I will appreciate every moment I have him by my side; every moment I get to share with him.  The times we are apart I will remain faithful and loving, writing him often...even if he protests...until he is back with me and safe!             

Can they ?

I know a lady that has several children.  Her and her husband seem to be great parents.  Every time I have ever been around them they were always attentive of their children.  This amazed me because they have seven, I think.  I only have one and it is all I can do to keep up with him and I think I am a good parent.  That makes them AMAZING parents.

Their youngest child, who is a gorgeous baby girl, was born deaf.  I remember when this little one was born because both of our husbands were deployed together.  I remember the FRG encouraging us all to "come together" and make ourselves available if she needed any assistance.  I think this was one of the first times I ever talked to her. 

Well, we seem to communicate quite often now.  We mainly talk on Facebook and a conversation we were having got me thinking about deafness.  She had posted a status stating  (not verbatim)..."people that wanted to socialize with her daughter needed to learn American Sign Language".  She also stated, "this included family".  Before I go any further I want to say I applaud her for having this attitude.  Her daughter should not be forced to struggle while communicating with family.  Family is where you should feel the safest.  Family should want to learn ASL so they can communicate. 

Okay, off my soap box and back to the topic. 

This part of that status made me curious about why a family would not want to learn ASL.  So me being me, I messaged her stating that I agreed with her and asked why family members would not want to learn.  She stated many of them were under the assumption her and her husband were going to get implants for the little girl.

Normal Hearing

Implant Hearing

 If I understand correctly, implants MIGHT make it possible for her to hear somethings but not as well as a hearing person.  This is some research I did myself on the subject.  That statement did not come from my friend/acquaintance/fellow Army Wife. 

Anyway, so they decided not to go with implants.  I feel they know what is best for their child and the other family members should be willing to at least attempt to learn ASL if they want to communicate with the child. 

As we chatted, I told her about a girl I knew growing up who was deaf.  Her name is Misty.  Misty was not born deaf.  She, if my memory serves, lost her hearing as a baby because of some sort of fever.  I was friends with Misty's sister.  So at times I had contact with Misty.  I remember knowing some basic sign but mostly having to spell words out if I wanted to talk to Misty, as I knew the alphabet but not many words.  Communicating was not simple but we made it work.  I remember thinking it was "neat".  Yes, I said neat.  I was 5 or 6 so give me a break. 

My friend then asked me if Misty had gone to college.  I told her yes.  Misty did go to college and is a successful person.  She is an advocate for the deaf community and has children of her own.  She seems to have a fulfilled life that is not impeded by her deafness. 

ASL Hand Art

Nothing more was said about it after that but it made me wonder how often as parents we worry about these things.  I know I do and my child is perfectly healthy.  I wondered how often my parents had these questions about me since I was so sick growing up.  I wonder if they still question my health and worry about me.  I am sure they do.  I am sure I will do the same with my son too.  I am pretty darn sure all parents will do it.  The only thing I can say is, as humans we can do just about anything.   A disability does not have to make one "invalid".  It can define who we are and give us the drive to work harder and be just a little better than others.  We know we have to be better at things so others do not always see us as "disabled".  I think it all depends on the attitude in which the condition is presented.  So, KUDOS to this mom for demanding others treat her daughter as an equal.  They should learn ASL.  The child should not have to bend to their needs or compromise to meet their standard.  They should embrace her deafness and encourage her to fulfill whatever dreams she may have as she grows older.  This little girl can be whatever she wants to be if guided correctly and I know these parents will help her with that guidance.

Pain

Today my blog is all about whining.  I feel like crap so I am struggling to think of anything other than the pain.  Since I could not distract myself from it, I decided to write about it.  To use a few words, "It hurt really badly".  To use a lot of words, "I feel like garden gnomes are chewing on my fallopian tubes". 

Usually I really enjoy being a woman.  I love the clothes, the shoes, the perfumes, the make-up.  I love being feminine.  Even when I have to be tough, I want to be feminine and lady-like with it.  I really do not like appearing masculine or overly tough.  This is difficult for me since I am so very tall and quiet.  I have people tell me all the time I look like I could kick a man's butt or I scare them.  I think this is funny because I am typically a very sweet and considerate person.  However, this is the one time of the month I hate being a woman. 

Logically I know this is one of the things that defines womanhood but I never feel less feminine than when I have my menstrual cycle.  I always feel so tired and like a big waste of space.  I have to literally make myself get up and function.  Between the migraines, backache, abdomen cramps, listlessness, and moodiness; I am like a big blob of death.  This kind of pain cannot be normal.  At least I hope it is not.  If every woman has to suffer this much pain it is biologically STUPID!  The pain makes me so angry.  It pisses me off!  I am tired of hurting.  I want to just flip off the pain and make it stop! 

Since I was tired of the pain, about two years ago I was so convinced this pain was so abnormal I went to the doctor to have "things" checked out.  I mean, I go to my physical every year but I wanted to make sure nothing was wrong so I made an appointment to have things really examined.  According to the doctor, there is nothing wrong with me.  Everything "looked normal and had very little scar tissue".  Not wanting to deal with this pain every month I asked if I might be able to have a hysterectomy since I cannot have babies.  I was advised no ethical doctor would ever do this since I was so young and because of the hormonal side effects.  To be perfectly honest I could give two shits about ethics when I am in this much pain.  It gets so bad I think about doing an at home surgery.  It can't hurt any worse.  I know this is a dumb idea and I would never really do it but it is a reoccurring fantasy every month I am doubled over in pain.  Until I go through menopause and this pain stops I guess I will just eat Ibuprofen and kill my lover every month.  In five to seven days my femininity will return and I will feel good again.  As for now, my honey offered to cook dinner since I do not feel well so I think, I am going to go to bed super early and sleep it off.            

Info-tainment

Watching the "news" I become very disturbed at the crap journalist choose to or are forced to report.  There are so many important issues happening in the world at any given moment.  Why do these things very rarely get reported?  Why does info-tainment out rank the real issues? 

I know it is entertaining to know what the Kardashians are doing.  It makes everyone happy to know BrAngelina is engaged or adopting a new baby.  We are all enthralled about Axl refusing to be inducted into the Music Hall of Fame.  The list goes on and on; I could fill up this entire page with junk headlines.  I ask myself, "Is this really what people want to hear about?  Is this what people find important?" 

Well, I find it insulting.  I want to hear the real news.  Headlines about how we have military personnel returning from deployments but cannot receive proper mental health due to lack of doctors.  How we have families going hungry in this country because their families cannot obtain social services nor do we have enough food banks to meet demand.  http://www.foodnetwork.com/share-our-strength/package/index.html

How corporations are abusing employees and wasting the time of the unemployed by waiting 6 months to fill open positions. The current employees are "picking up the slack" while waiting for a replacement to fill the empty position.  Unemployed candidates are interviewing over and over for "very competitive" jobs.  Unfortunately, after current employees have handled things for six months the heads of the corporations feel like the position was never needed in the first place.  So now we have several over worked employees and a person who still needs a job.  Again I could fill this page with examples.
All of this really saddens me.  It makes me wonder what kind of failure we are setting our children up for.  Will they really know what issues are important and what issues are not?  Will they be filled with a sense of entitlement because that is what they are exposed to?  A world where everyone gets a ribbon whether they win or not.  A world where they really think they have 1000 friends because a Facebook lists says it is so.  Will they be ready for the "real world". 

I struggle to raise my son the way I think all people should be raised.  He has to earn money by doing chores if he wants extra things.  He is expected to make passing grades.  He must be respectful of other people.  I struggle because he sees so many other children getting stuff and they never have to earn it.  He hears other children being rude and not getting scolded.  It can be very confusing for him.  However, I hope he will be a better, more productive citizen because of these teachings.  I have parents tell me all the time how I am too strict on my son.  I try to ignore it and remind myself, my son is not the seven year old dropping f-bombs or the 10 year old setting stuff on fire.  With that being said I must admit, he gets rewarded for doing well.  I may be strict but when does a good job I make sure he knows it is appreciated.  When he brings home passing grades he gets a treat.  When he does his chores without having to be reminded his allowance gets increased.  I think it is only fair to praise him for a good job if he is going to be punished for a poor one.  This allows him to make the decision that will shape his immediate future.  Hopefully teaching him how his decisions will always have a bearing on what is to come.  Thus, make the smart decisions, the good decisions. 

I also know every generation has concerns about the next.  I am sure my parents had similar worries for my brother and I.  Maybe this is what we are supposed to do as we get older; worry about the little ones and how the future will be for them.  I just hope my son has enough sense to be focused on what is true and proper and not be blinded by info-tainment and twaddle.  as for myself, until the U.S. News decides to report on the important things I will continue to watch the BBC for my important world information.  The BBC seems to give you the hard truths and I like it that way!

Ping Pong and Beer

I asked my friends to give me a random topic to write on today.  My friend Kyle suggested ping pong.  I stated I did not even remember the rules to ping pong.  He suggested I use the words figuratively and apply them to my life.  My friend Diana said to do beer pong if I could not remember ping pong.  So somehow, because of that conversation you all are getting something that will probably make no sense whatsoever; ping pong and beer.  That is definitely random.

I have not played ping pong since I was about 12 years old.  I really do not even remember anything about it other than it had balls, paddles, a table, and a net.  You whacked the balls back forth over the net.  Taken out of context that sounds like a really sexy game.  Then I think about how ping pong balls are smacked around.  Each one has a specific place it is meant to go but can sometimes go completely off course.  This really made me think about my life.  (That reasoning was inspired by Kyle also).  My life has been like a wild ping pong ball that has no real destination.    

Ten or so years ago I knew exactly how I wanted my life to be.  I had a husband, an infant son, a full time job, a close knit family, a home of my own.  I had everything I ever wanted.  Then suddenly everything changed.  My husband became really mean.  Nothing I did was good enough.  I was fat and ugly.  My life was really sucking.  Then I discovered he was using drugs and cheating on me.  I was devastated and afraid. 

My first instinct was to make him leave.  Just kick him out and turn my back on the whole ordeal.  For some reason I could not do that.  The reason was I was committed to my family.  I was committed to the vow I made; "for better or worse".  Well let me tell you, worse got even more worse.  My husband's behavior did not improve and after a year of his crap I could not take anymore.  One night he came home from work in a REALLY bad mood.  He was taking it out on both my son and myself.  I was accustomed to it by this point.  I had learned to deal with it.  I was also a grown woman and I could fight back.  Well on this particular night our 18 month old son toddled up to his dad and was stepping on his feet.  He wanted to play, as dad would play with him in this manner.  Our son would stand on my husband's feet and he would walk around with our son that way.  Our son loved this game.  Anyway, husband was not in the mood for it so when son stepped on his feet he shoved son by son's face.  This made me angry.  For the first time I attacked my husband.  He had put his hands on my little baby.  My little baby that COULD NOT defend himself.  It was time for him to go.  I kicked him out and told him to go to rehab and "get his shit together" and I would be waiting for him.  So wait is what I did.  For two long years I waited.  I had such a hard time letting go because I felt like I was wrong in the eyes of God. Well a lady I respected very much took me aside and asked me if I really thought God wanted this pain for me. If he wanted me in a relationship with a man that could not lead our family.   A man that was not loving to his family. She also showed where adultery is a valid reason for dissolving a union.  I just did not want to give up.  I waited so long my now ex-husband had a new wife and another baby.  Yep, I was still waiting.     

During all of this waiting I had realized I could not survive on the income I was bringing in alone.  It sometimes go to the point of paying the electric bill or buying food.  My family was ALWAYS there to help me but I hated asking for financial help.  After all, I had a professional full-time job.  I should be able to support my son and myself.  I even went to apply for social service but found out, since I had that professional job, I made $10 too much to qualify for any kind of assistance.  I had no idea what to do.  Inevitably, I wound up moving back in with my parents.  I had to go back home with a baby and depend on my parents because a jerk broke my heart.

Eventually, I quit waiting and decided to move on with my life.  I wanted to be able to survive on my own.  I did not want to depend on my parents forever.  Therefore, I decided to go back to school.  I enrolled at the closest four year university so I could commute to and still keep my job.  Keeping my job was important to me because I had been working at the same place for over four years.  I did not want to start over. 

So off I traveled; commuting to the lands of higher education and a better life.  After about two years I met this guy and finally started dating.  It felt so weird.  To make a long story short, that relationship ended in disaster also.  This guy, after 4 years of dating, asked me to marry him.  I should have known it was a bad idea when I wanted to throw up when he proposed.  But alas I accepted.  Fortunately, before we could marry he left me while I was at work.  Yes, we were living together and he moved out while I was at work.  I know, I know.  I can certainly pick winners.  Don't judge me lol.  As you can see my life was constantly ping ponging.  Ping ponging everywhere.  Cue beer stage left.

Beer.  It was so great.  It could put me in a good mood no matter how I was feeling.  It tasted awful but I learned if you drink the first one really fast it makes the second one taste better.  I spent nights sitting at my computer, drinking beer, and playing online games with my friend Kyle.  Yes, the same Kyle that inspired this babbling :D!  He is such an awesome friend.  Anyway, beer became a good friend of mine.  It got me through many long nights and made me do things I would never have done sober.  One of these such things was talk to some random guy online and agree to meet him in person.   I swear I would have never done this had I been sober.  However, it turns out I was lucky to have been drinking that night.  The guy I met turned out to be a really awesome guy.  We fell for each other and fell hard.  We "dated" for about two weeks when he, during the throws of passion said, "You are going to marry me".  I just laughed and ignored the comment.  He knew from the beginning I was not interested in a relationship with anyone.  Nevertheless, he was relentless.  He told me the Army had given him orders and he was going to be leaving.  I did not want to let go of something that may be great.  It already was great.  I certainly did not want it to end after only three weeks.  Cue more beer and lots of it!  What was I to do.  Both times I took a chance in the love department ended in disaster.  Finally I agreed to marry him.

He and I got married on my lunch break.  We ran to the local courthouse with one of my co-workers and a previous co-worker I was still friends with as our witnesses.  It was quite comical.  After two failed long-term relationships I was marrying some guy I had only known for 23 days.  I probably do not have to say I had beer that night lol.  I could not believe what I had done and my family was furious.  They were angry I was going to be moving all the way across the United States and I was taking my son.  They did not want to let us go.  I was ping ponging 3000 miles away from where I had lived my entire life.  Leaving my career (at this point I had been at this job for a decade), everything I had ever known, everyone that had ever been by my side and held my hand.  It was difficult. 

Fortunately, after several months my family forgave me and we are all okay now.  I do miss them but we all love one another again.  I have also been able to graduate college.  I was able to transfer into a public Ivy League institution.  I was very proud of my accomplishments.  Unfortunately, with the economy in such a bad state I have been unable to find a job but whatever.  I cannot have everything.  I feel blessed because the man I married turned out to be a wonderful man.  He loves me completely and he loves my son.  We are coming up on our third anniversary and we are still in love.  We still get along.  we actually still enjoy each others company.  The only tough part is how life as an Army wife keeps my life in a ping pong state.  I never know what may happen from one day to the next but I am able to handle it with a lot less beer because I have a wonderful man to help me through it all.  He provides for us and makes sure we have everything we need.  What more could I ask for?       

Stubble = NO Kissing

YES TO CLEAN SHAVEN

YES TO BEARD

NO TO STUBBLE

As an administrator for a Facebook page that offers support to military spouses, I have recently seen a lot of questions and comments about a proposal for new Army rules involving stricter appearance standards for service members.  I personally have no problem with any of the proposed new rules as my husband was trained to follow these proposed regulations anyway.  The only one I will say I having any feelings about whatsoever is, "Service members must be clean shaven at all times both on and off post' including while on leave".  Many people are unhappy with this as it is invading the service member's private civilian life.  A statement in the ARMY TIMES Newspaper sums it up pretty well though, "You chose to join the Army.  The Army did not choose to join you." --Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler. 

Like I said, I have no problem with this and neither does my husband.  I am not writing this to complain about the new rule.  I am actually writing this because I LOVE this new rule.   I have no real preference for clean shave or beard.  I like them both.  However, I absolutely hate the stubble.  You know, the days of scratchy growth that occurs before a man can obtain the full beard.  It is so gross to me.  I cannot stand it.  It is scratchy and itchy and prickly; just plain gross. 

The main reason I have such an aversion to it is because of the roughness.  I love to kiss my husband.  I love to kiss him full on with deep passion.  But NOT if he is stubbly.  It is like kissing a freaking cactus.  It is not nice.  It is not sweet.  It is not passionate.  It simply hurts my face.  My face gets all red and it stings.  It makes me try really hard to avoid kissing him at all.  That in turn makes me sad.  Therefore, since he is not allowed to grow a full beard I prefer clean shaven.  It is enjoyable, inviting, and oh so very very kissable. 

This of course is simply my own humble opinion.  I am sure there are many people that enjoy the feel of stubble.  Some of them might enjoy kissing my husband right now because he needs to go shave at this moment.  His afternoon shadow is in full force hahaha!  :p              

Sunshine, grass, and lawn maintenance

When people ask me what I miss most about GA I instantly think of the sunshine.  I am sure some of these people think I am awful because I do not shout , "My family".  Don't get me wrong.  I love my family and I do miss them very much.  But I talk to them nearly everyday.  Sometimes it is almost like I never left.  But the sunshine...Oh my.  There is no way to call up the sunshine and say, "Hey what are you doing?  Want to come out and play?" 

When I lived in GA it was always so hot.  I never really appreciated the sun and its golden rays of Vitamin D delight.  The way it felt when my hair would start to get warm.  Oh how my hair would shine in the sunlight. 

Here in WA it is overcast and rainy about 8 or 9 months each year.  During these months I long for sunlight. Each month seeming to be longer than the one before it.  Sometimes I think the dark clouds will never go away. 

Excitingly, last weekend was the first time I realized Spring is finally here in WA.  I woke up somewhat early for a Saturday morning.  I always sleep with my window dressing open so I can see the lights outside.  It allows me to see the weather right as I wake up.  When I opened my eyes it hurt.  I blinked rapidly; confused as to what was impeding my vision.  As the sleep rolled away I realized it was SUNSHINE.  I laid back on my pillow and simply basked in the small amount sunlight coming into my window.  It was like heaven.  I allowed the sun to kiss my face as I enjoyed the warmth.  It was so relaxing.  I could honestly feel the happiness brewing inside me.  How I had longed for this weather. 

My family and I spent the majority of the weekend outside.  We hiked and enjoyed Easter activities.  We took full advantage of the magnificent rays.  Happily the sun has shown for most of this week.  It has been so clear and has somewhat dried up the moisture.  Since it was not completely wet, I was able to being mowing my lawn earlier this week.  My husband and I fight over who will get to do it because we both love working in the yard.  Unfortunately for him, he was at work so I jumped right on the chore.  Sadly for me, I ran out of gas before I could complete the task.  So today as I was out running errands I got more gasoline, since I did not forget the gas can AGAIN!!!  I was so excited to get home and finish the lawn.  I did not even mind the grass stains on my shoes, the sweat on my brow, or the dirt under my finger nails. I was enjoying myself.

Now that the grass is cut and the weed eating is completed, I am at this very moment sitting outside as I write this.  Loving the smell of freshly cut grass, the look of a job well done, and the feel of the sun on my skin.  As long as I live I hope I never take advantage of the sunlight again.  It is funny what you miss when you no longer have it everyday.  The very thing you hated can become the thing you most desire.
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SIDE NOTE:

If you enjoy sitting in the sun as much as I do, whether it be while reading, having a cool beverage or hanging out with friends BE SURE TO WEAR SUNSCREEN! It will protect you from harmful UV rays that can cause cancer and trust me...no one finds the photo below attractive!  ALWAYS protect your skin.  It will be with you for all of your life.  Be kind to it!

Music set me free

I was struggling to think of something to write about today. Nothing has really happened. I got my son off to school, did my workout, met my husband for lunch and did a little shopping for the house. The most exciting thing to happen all day was when I realized tomorrow is SUPER SAVINGS DAY at the market lol. Exciting huh! Just a typical day in the life of an unemployed stay at home wife and mother. See why I was having a tough time writing about something?

Then I started playing on Polyvore and realized I could link it to my blog.  So today I am going to write about a time passed that changed my life.  And it was all because of the music. 

In 1991 I remember being a child about to break into the teenage years.  I felt so confused and awkward and misunderstood.  I was a sickly 12 year old little girl.  The most under developed of all the girls in my grade.  Extremely tall at the time.  I was 5'9"; taller than most of the boys.  Thank goodness I quit growing at 5' 9 3/4".  I also only weighted 89 pounds.  At the time I was diabetic but the doctors had not diagnosed me yet so my family and I had no idea why I was so sickly and frail.  Needless to say, I was the butt of lots of jokes and ridicule.  Teenage children can be ruthless. 

During this time in my life I always slept with my radio playing.  It made me feel good to go to sleep and awaken listening to music.  So one night I recall going to sleep while Wilson-Phillips sang Hold On.  I remember thinking how full of shit that song was.  Hold on for what, to get made fun of again day after day because I was the "dying girl", "the walking skeleton", "the anorexic", or "the feed the hungry poster child"?  All of these were delicious names the other children coined at my expense.  Anyway, so that is what was playing when I fell asleep but when I woke up I heard the most glorious thing EVER. 

It was a song by a band I never heard of.  It said everything I never had the words or courage to express.  It made me realize I was not the only person going through these pre-adolescent trials.  I was not the only one being ridiculed for things they had no control over.  It was awesome to suddenly not feel all alone.  This song became my internal anthem.  It made me think of the words of Shakespeare, "all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players".  We really were all entertainers and in the dark it was less dangerous to be ourselves.  If you have not figured it out, Smells Like Teen Spirit was the song and the band was Nirvana.

Not long after having this epiphany I developed a new attitude.  It took a few more years to become fully comfortable with myself and not want to hide in the shadows.  I had a few really close friends that helped me through these years.  Actually I think the four of us helped each other.  I think the greatest thing I learned was it is okay to be the person you are.  No matter how quirky, sickly, skinny, etc.  Being a nerd is not a bad thing.  Being cutting edge does not make you crazy.  It makes you exactly who you are supposed to be. 

The sample outfit above I created on Polyvore is one such outfit I got made fun of for wearing.  It was too fashion forward at the time for my little small town in Georgia (population 1600).  I wanted to be in Seattle.  In the throws of grunge culture.  As an adult I am now living in Washington.  There is not a lot left of the grunge culture but every now and again I get glimpses of a time passed.  A glimpse of where it all began.  Where the music that changed me as a person started.  And even though my teenage years were hell, I would not change one minute of it.  I would not take back anything I experienced because if I did I may not be the person I am today.  The no bull shit, balls to the wall, stubborn, motivated, driven woman I am who is willing to take on and conquer anything.  I think I turned out great and I love who I am.  I also love those three girls that were my best friends.  So Amanda, Malisa, and Stacey, if you read my blog here is a shout out to you all.   

 

Confessions of a diabetic!

There are days when this aspect of my life is the most difficult thing I have to handle. I want to eat something sweet so badly it is almost unbearable. There are sweet things everywhere and I want to eat them all. Sadly, I was blessed or cursed (depending on your perception) with the gift of diabetes.

Typically, I try not bring sweet foods into our house. It is such a temptation for me, my son has A.D.D. which is made worse by sugar, and my husband is in the military so his weight has to stay up to standard. It is also important to me that we all have a healthy diet. However, at the present time I have all sorts of junky sweet food residing in my kitchen.

My son was doing a fund raiser for school. Of all things he was selling cookie dough. I bought some to help him reach his goal and so did Grandma. Unfortunately, Grandma lives in Georgia and we live in Washington State. So all the cookie dough Grandma bought, she said to keep here for my son. We also have an AMPLE amount of Easter candy in a fruit bowl on the island counter. I want to dig into it and gobble it down like my inner fat kid wants me to do. I honestly believe if I did not have to battle with diabetes I would be as big as a barn door.

I tried keeping Cool Whip in my fridge and having a spoonful of it when I got my sugar cravings but it did nothing. I have also tried Jello, pudding, Otter Pops...nothing cures these cravings except CHOCOLATE. Almighty chocolate! It is like food of the gods to me. I want a Reese's Cup the size of my leg. And trust me, I have a pretty big leg. Being 5'10 it is rather long so that would be a HUGE and satisfying Reese's Cup.

Rarely do I give into these cravings for one reason alone. My 10 year old son. I imagine his life without me. A life without a mother because she CHOSE not to take care of herself. I know statistically I would probably not die until he is grown but what quality of life would he and I have together. A life full of diabetic retinopathy, kidney failure, stroke, etc. I do not want him to have to witness that. I also do not want to go through all those bad things myself.

I am not always good though. I do have the Insulin Infusion Pump, which allows me a small degree of freedom so when the cravings get absolutely so bad that I feel myself becoming a raving lunatic, I will indulge. The last time I did this was a Cinnabon Cinnamon Roll that I shared with a friend. It was so delicious it seemed almost sinful! It was the yummiest thing I feel like I had ever eaten.

Alas, the cravings began coming back today. As will be a constant struggle in my life for as long as live. After 20 years of being diabetic one would think it would get easier but it never does. I just have to be strong and remember my reasons for fighting. Everyone has struggles and no one has a perfect life. Today this is what I am struggling with. Tomorrow I might actually have a real and important issue to deal with. So I will save my energy for really important issues and go eat a banana and shut up about wanting candy!

Go Play Outside...

Yesterday I was the WORST Mom in the world.  I made my son go outside and ride his bike.  Yes you read that correctly.  I made him.  He put up such a fuss.  Gave me every excuse in the book as to why he should stay inside. 

Living in Washington State there are not many sunny days of which we can take advantage.  The weather here is typically raining about 9 months out of the year.  So, I think it is important for him to play outside on the days it is clear and sunny. 

I grew up in deep South Georgia.  A place where the sun shines nearly every day.  It is extremely hot 9 months out of the year.  The lower part of the state is usually suffering from a drought.  Just about every day is forecasted with 100% humidity.  In short, I grew up in the exact opposite climate as my child. 

I loved playing outside.  Even if it was unbearably hot and hard to breath.  My brother and I would play outside until we had what my Mom called "sweat bead necklaces" in the creases of our neck, bends of our arms, backs of our knees.  It was some of the best times of my childhood.  I simply do not understand why my son does not want to take advantage of the perfect weather.

Then I notice, there are no children outside playing in our neighborhood.  It makes me wonder what has changed so much?  Why do children not run and play, ride bikes, skateboard?  Why do children not come home with "sweat bead necklaces?" :) 

Then I looked around my house.  My son has availability to cable television.  Over 200 channels of nonsense.  When I was his age we had 4 channels and one of them was GPTV (Ga Public Television).  My son also has a plethora of video games.  He can play a game and be any kind of creature he chooses to be.  My brother and I had to use our imaginations.  If we wanted to fly, we had to run and jump and hold our arms out to the side. 

  

I have recently noticed that my son seems to have very little imagination.  It seems he cannot figure out what to do with himself if he does not have a television telling him how to feel or think.  This makes me sad.  I wonder if it would be different if he was not an only child?

Well, he did eventually go outside and play.  I could see him riding his bike as I looked through the kitchen window.  I could tell he was doing it begrudgingly.  After about 10 minutes I noticed he had not rode by in a few minutes.  So I stepped outside to check on him and he was playing football with the neighbor child.  I could hear them laughing and shouting football jargon.  It was great.  He was having so much fun.  He played for hours.  Then it was a fight to get him to come inside.  This made me smile.

He later told me he was glad I made him go play.  He said he had a "really fun time".  The weather is not hot enough for him to have the sweat bead necklace but he was tired. 

I am sure this will not be the last time we have this fight but this time I won the battle and my child got some exercise!