I was struggling to think of something to write about today. Nothing has really happened. I got my son off to school, did my workout, met my husband for lunch and did a little shopping for the house. The most exciting thing to happen all day was when I realized tomorrow is SUPER SAVINGS DAY at the market lol. Exciting huh! Just a typical day in the life of an unemployed stay at home wife and mother. See why I was having a tough time writing about something?
Then I started playing on Polyvore and realized I could link it to my blog. So today I am going to write about a time passed that changed my life. And it was all because of the music.
In 1991 I remember being a child about to break into the teenage years. I felt so confused and awkward and misunderstood. I was a sickly 12 year old little girl. The most under developed of all the girls in my grade. Extremely tall at the time. I was 5'9"; taller than most of the boys. Thank goodness I quit growing at 5' 9 3/4". I also only weighted 89 pounds. At the time I was diabetic but the doctors had not diagnosed me yet so my family and I had no idea why I was so sickly and frail. Needless to say, I was the butt of lots of jokes and ridicule. Teenage children can be ruthless.
During this time in my life I always slept with my radio playing. It made me feel good to go to sleep and awaken listening to music. So one night I recall going to sleep while Wilson-Phillips sang Hold On. I remember thinking how full of shit that song was. Hold on for what, to get made fun of again day after day because I was the "dying girl", "the walking skeleton", "the anorexic", or "the feed the hungry poster child"? All of these were delicious names the other children coined at my expense. Anyway, so that is what was playing when I fell asleep but when I woke up I heard the most glorious thing EVER.
It was a song by a band I never heard of. It said everything I never had the words or courage to express. It made me realize I was not the only person going through these pre-adolescent trials. I was not the only one being ridiculed for things they had no control over. It was awesome to suddenly not feel all alone. This song became my internal anthem. It made me think of the words of Shakespeare, "all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players". We really were all entertainers and in the dark it was less dangerous to be ourselves. If you have not figured it out, Smells Like Teen Spirit was the song and the band was Nirvana.
Not long after having this epiphany I developed a new attitude. It took a few more years to become fully comfortable with myself and not want to hide in the shadows. I had a few really close friends that helped me through these years. Actually I think the four of us helped each other. I think the greatest thing I learned was it is okay to be the person you are. No matter how quirky, sickly, skinny, etc. Being a nerd is not a bad thing. Being cutting edge does not make you crazy. It makes you exactly who you are supposed to be.
The sample outfit above I created on Polyvore is one such outfit I got made fun of for wearing. It was too fashion forward at the time for my little small town in Georgia (population 1600). I wanted to be in Seattle. In the throws of grunge culture. As an adult I am now living in Washington. There is not a lot left of the grunge culture but every now and again I get glimpses of a time passed. A glimpse of where it all began. Where the music that changed me as a person started. And even though my teenage years were hell, I would not change one minute of it. I would not take back anything I experienced because if I did I may not be the person I am today. The no bull shit, balls to the wall, stubborn, motivated, driven woman I am who is willing to take on and conquer anything. I think I turned out great and I love who I am. I also love those three girls that were my best friends. So Amanda, Malisa, and Stacey, if you read my blog here is a shout out to you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment